The last time (prepregnancy) Christy was kind enough to photograph me was a time in my life I felt confident, had finally fallen in love with myself, and was comfortable in my own skin. My husband walked in, we were shooting a milk bath(in our bathroom and for him), he became offended, insulted us both, made us cry, all the pictures were deleted before I could even see, and so much of the whys, what more can I do, and self doubt came back.
I’ve been called sexy many times, it’s not something I believe and honestly feel is more burden than blessing most days (I know poor pretty girl) but it blocks people from truly caring about your depth, character, and thoughts, they assume that’s all you amount to or that your body is your only gift. Today I’m proud to say sexy to me is embracing the vulnerable hidden parts, showing someone your soul.
When I got pregnant, I was separated... my husband tried to act like the baby wasn’t his even forcing me to take a paternity test while in the hospital bed, this means there is no photo of me and my daughter the day she was born and no family photo of us in the hospital. (results could take up to a week) It hurt and hurts. Needless to say she was his, she and I were made many promises, sadly after 6 months, no change and no connection, I left again. Over a VERY long year later Christy has had a precious baby and spoke up about the lack of moms in photos, knew some of my story and kindly offered to change that for me and my sweet Suzie .
This photo session didn’t go as we intended.
The Thursday before our scheduled Monday shoot she informed me a dancer backed out and asked if I could do some yoga poses with dresses and fabric she had I gladly obliged,
When Suzie and I arrived at the shoot she immediately lost it when I tried to change her, hold her, or get a picture... she would go sit on Christy’s lap to look at the camera, clapped every time the flash went off but there was no wrangling her, I will be so grateful if we got one shot worthy of my Dad and Mother by loves' mantle...
Christy brought this dress, I’ve only owned one other shirt that goes this low, literally asked her if she photoshopped boobs on me, but then I stopped and took the time to actually look and see me....
Knowing that’s the best thing I can be for Suzie.
loving my body, my scars, my broken heart because I know I am good, worthy and capable of way more than infatuation...of true, real, open, raw, communicating, conflicting and not at all consuming love.
I am so grateful for my body even though it has been abused and starved, it is a gift, one that nurtured my baby girl and harbors my precious soul. Regardless of what you think, our truths and stories are different I’m not here to impress anyone but am impressed by so many especially the talent, vision, and friendship of Christy Shaterian-Dux, thanks for seeing me and loving me even when it’s crazy.
Bliss and Blessings,
Yoga Teaching, Encouraging,