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Dearest, You are a gift to be treasured a life to be lived a light to be shined. You will survive. You will thrive. Take your time. Don't be so hard on yourself Mommy is ALWAYS here to help! Before you were born I asked people to share their favorite motherhood stories, ideas, and tips. Your aunt recommended I write you a letter every year on your birthday, then give them to you when you turned 18, I loved this idea! Throughout pregnancy the only thing I promised you was that I would be there NO MATTER WHAT! I had heard enough birthing stories to know that there was no amount of preparation, manifestation, or calculation that would make the process smooth or painless. I use this analogy and experience for parenting as well. Knowing I couldn't control the labor process I decided to focus on how our life and my body would be after delivery. Sadly I couldn't get your big beautiful pumpkin head past a bone and ended up having to "woman up," have my perineum cut, which caused level 3 tearing and up to 3 months recovery, and messing up my "back to me" plan tremendously. 8 weeks postpartum most books say your organs are shifting, moving back in place, and that you are slowly making your way. So when I got sick I just kept pushing through, assuming that's what it was like and I had too much to do. After a week of feeling "off" but still being VERY active, I decided I couldn't take it anymore and needed medical attention. Your dad was playing a show, had not been alone with just you, it killed me to leave but I knew I had to go. Upon hospitalization we learned my appendix had ruptured (any where between 8-10 days prior), that I was lucky it had "walled up" behind my colon and that I could have died... this changed EVERYTHING for me, mostly because you had only been alive 2 months, I was already failing you and could have possibly broke my only promise. So I made changes. LOTS. One thing that remains the same and will NEVER change, is my love for you, so here's what I am going to do... I have already written your 1st two birthday letters but instead of waiting I am going to leave them here as well as my version of the ABC's of me for Suzie so if any thing ever does happen to me, you will still be able to see. I can never put in to words the love, strength, hope, and freaking fear I have for you, my precious innocent boogie angel... SUZIE, My past will not diminish your future. Your past does not diminish your future. I made MANY bad choices & am sharing them in hopes you will not make the same ones. Your choices regardless of circumstance effect who you are. I read "Anne of Green Gables" in 4th grade and will never forget the line "if I learn from every mistake I make and never make the same mistake twice, eventually I will be perfect!" This is something I firmly believed, but wish I would have had the guidance and wisdom to prevent and implement. I know hard and bad times will come, but you are always my #1. Please don't read until it's ok'd by me or you are 16. You are my Sun and Stars Remember to Always Shine Bright Be and Share the Light Stay Kind and True LOVE, Mommy Moon
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